Strapping in, tissues nearby, chocolate may be needed half way.
So we open with 2 monks chasing a demon.
Nothing screams mystical like monks walking through a storm, then going through doors to snow covered peaks.
Dickhead, never rush a demon woman.
Oh man, all martial arts movies should be like this, epic in the first minute.
Jet vs demon girl, she throws ice and storms at him but no good, his staff is all he needs to bash his way through and catch her in a mystic bowl. Companion unfrozen, they return through the door to the monastery where they have a sealed dimension where demons are locked away until they meditate enough to be good.
Bitch please, who wants to meditate their way to being good???
Cut to beautiful snake ladies frolicking in the forrest, they can’t possibly be evil right?????? Hell to the major lesbian love there, they look ready to break out in snogness any second. However one only has eyes for a peasant worker… silly girl, this can’t end well.
Our peasants are harvesting herbs, when one of the snake girls (jealous i’m sure) scares the object of desire of the other off the rocks into the lake. Our other snake girl, floats down into the lake and snogs him until he’s rescued. We should all be rescued like that.
Meanwhile our goody two shoes monks are on the trail of a bat demon. They hitch a ride with a doctor, and it seems the people of china live for good deeds and a good chat.
White snake girl is dreaming of her man and snogging him underwater, which upsets the animals, who think something is wrong. Turns out the whole lip locking thing means they have swapped essences, and I’m sure that’s what he has in mind, so off they go to town to see him. Green snake girl
Jet li is being a total arse to his apprentice in the name of training. His apprentice runs into green snake girl, who challenges his masters thinking on demons. Lets be honest, she has the hots for him… it can’t work out, demons and demon hunters don’t mix, just ask buffy.
Green snake girl runs into lover boy and once he proves he has no idea about girls she takes control of his boat ramming it into a pier. White snake is waiting for him but Lover boy is thick though so she has to destroy the pier in order to force him into her arms. She makes a play for him but all Lover boy can think of is snogging in the lake… Awwwwww. So in what must be a chinese version of a pickup line, white snake chucks him into the lake and they snog, because apparently he can’t recognise her unless he’s snogging underwater. This relationship is going to get tricky… hope they can hold their breath.
Green snake tracks down the apprentice. She helps him to track down the bad demon which leads to him defying gravity to get on a boat filled with bargirls. He proceeds to dust them with a pair of cymbals before the master bat grabs him and starts nibbling on his neck… ah love bites.
Batman goes psycho upending boats everywhere but he can’t escape the awesomeness of Jet Li. The two wind up doing battle in a volcano and we all know only one can walk away. Batman is stabbed and lands in the lava while Jet float serenely down to a rock… Of course, buddha will get him out of there coz he’s a righteous boy.
Meanwhile White Snake and Lover boy have been doing a lot more than snogging, they are fast movers and he already wants to meet her parents so they can get married.
Cut back to the monks apprentice who is now turning into a bat. He is discovered by whiny kids who try to break Jet Li’s meditation but nothing doing. Bat boy is trying to hang himself but is disrupted by green snake who reveals herself to be a demon because she has the hots for him and now he’s demon, he can be her tomboy.
She quickly starts putting the moves on him. Tricking him into biting her neck, eating chicken and drinking blood, he can’t be a monk anymore which freaks him out… Lets just say he’s a fixer upperer.
White Snake takes Lover Boy back to meet the family but something is obviously wrong as they all act like animals. Some hilarious fast talking ensues as he has dinner with the family (the animals of the forrest changed to human form) but Lover boy only has eyes for white snake and is oblivious to what is going on. Love really does make you blind. In the end green snake knocks out Lover boy to stop him seeing what’s happening.
The monk arrives and white snake escapes with lover boy while green snake takes on Jet li. A magic battle ensues but just as Jet is about to trap her ass for eternity bat boy grows a pair (of wings) and saves her. Bat boy says goodbye to Jet and flies off into the sunset.
Lover Boy wakes up to discover that visiting vegas is a bad idea, as he is now married without his remembering anything. No more wine for him. More sexy snogging ensues. Ahhh they are happy. 🙂
Jet li, who travels the land without getting so much as a stain on his white robes comes across a village full of the sick and dying where lover boy is treating them. Jet informs Lover Boy that there is no cure and that he shouldn’t bother as they have been made sick by demons (caring soul he is). White snake gives up some of her life essence to make his medicine stronger because… she luvvvvvs him. I agree with mouse… women.
Jet tracks down the demons, a set of wolf demons and sets his disciples on them. He offers them a chance to repent but of course they are all evil like and they evaporate into the air. The wolf girls use their sexy vixen charms but it’s no good, Jet is all Mr Purity. He ain’t falling for their sexy ways. He turns his soul capturing bowl on them, forcing them back to wolf form. He traps their souls and tells them to head back on the path to purity. More prayers and no sexy making for them.
Lover Boys medicine starts to work with makes Jet suspicious and he works out that she is a demon. He gives Lover Boy a knife and heads off to find White Snake. He corners her in the village, but she is pretty powerful all of her own, as she tries to crush him between a building. Jet’s magic is too strong though and after smacking down buildings and using the debris to trap her, he tells her that even if she does good, she’s bad so she can’t do good. He tells her to leave lover boy and that he wouldn’t love her as a snake.
White Snake is getting sick and when they sit down to a meal, the monks trick lover boy into giving her wine that will force her back into snake form. The monks then trap her in the house wrapping it in magic thread. The monk busts in and White Snake goes full snake to fight him, only to be stabbed with a magic dagger by Lover Boy. She only just escapes being soul trapped by escaping through the floor.
The monk assumed that once Lover Boy knew she was a snake it would be over but instead Lover Boy breaks into the monstary to steal a magic root. The root attacks him but he tricks it. He releases the demons though and they go into him, the mouse takes the root but the monks take him.
Jet uses this to go all sanctimonious on the snakes telling them this was all their fault for falling in love with a human. This of course pisses off the snake girls who send a tidal wave his way flooding everything.
Apparently the monks can breath underwater but not if mice distract you, so when faced with an army of mice who can apparently swim underwater and eat prayer beads, the monks are screwed. White Snake breaks into the monastery where they are holding lover boy and free him. Unfortunately Lover Boy doesn’t remember who she is. She blames the monk and goes all snaky on his ass with thousands of vipers. Jet ain’t going down so easy though and even when he’s eaten by Green Snake, he manages to fight back, wounding her fatally. Bat boy appears to save the day, rescuing the monks from the water. Bat Boy rescues Green Snake. Buddha to the rescue as Jet sitting on the head of a giant buddha becomes super mystical and able to deal with everything including the whole ocean being tossed his way before using his mystical super hands to smack White Snake’s butt. Have I been too arrogant he wonders? HELL YEAH we are screaming…
He traps White Snake in a room lined with buddha pictures and she asks some poignant questions about forgiveness before accepting buddha’s punishment because… he’s the man(god).
Jet now has the strength of the hulk only not as green, he lifts the building to let her out. She has to say goodbye out rorying rory with the whole meditated a thousand years. She kisses him and he remembers her before she is dragged back into the building damned for eternity for her crimes. Which are exactly???? Being a woman, assertive and loyal?
Lover boy becomes caretaker of the building White Snake is trapped in, Green Snake is broken hearted at the loss of her sister and Bat Boy returns to his master.
Buddha is wise and just…